Kanda's Adventures in Wonderland
by Soba-in-June
Summary: When Kanda was using his computer, a rabbit hole appeared on his monitor, and in an instant, he was sucked in! DGM Alice in Wonderland story. Rated T for ... violence? Please rate and review, thank you! AU
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

Kanda clicked the mouse. His computer came to life as he stared at its screen; what was reflected in it was his bored face. He thought quietly about the past nine years he lived in this catholic cathedral owned by Father Tiedoll; and was not surprised to find that his life was usually as boring as it was right now. The blue screen of the computer blinked white as Kanda checked his e-mail. He noted silently that the church would not receive and baptisms this week; as no one had mailed him because of that matter. Kanda made a mental note to notify Father Tiedoll later.

The cathedral's black cat, Rebekah, walked silently over, and sat beside Kanda's chair. He rubbed her between her ears, but the cat's blue eyes were glued to his computer screen.

Kanda directed his gaze towards the monitor, and noticed a pop-up window showing a strange picture of a white rabbit in a waistcoat. Kanda wondered curiously about the rabbit's origin: was it a computer virus? Or was it spam mail? If it was the earlier choice, then Old man Tiedoll would surely be upset, but if it was the latter, Kanda himself would be very angry about its interference between Kanda and his relatively godly duty. He served God for so long (nine years), and had to be interrupted by spam mail?

The rabbit on the monitor screen drew out an old-fashioned pocket watch. Suddenly, what seemed like a rabbit hole appeared. The rabbit jumped in, and Kanda felt a pulling force, much like gravity, draw him towards the monitor. He tried to resist (but only very slightly); however, he found himself quickly devoured into the rabbit's hole.

Kanda was very much unhappy. He still had to tell Father Tiedoll that there will not be any baptisms; though he was also very worried about Old Man Tiedoll caring for the church's cats – would he feed Joshua enough? Or starve the poor tom? Will he give Leah enough vitamins? Will he remember to pour warm milk – not cold milk – for the tortoiseshell Rachel? Even though there were around a dozen cats, Kanda was most worried about Rebekah; she was his favorite, and if anything happened to _that_ cat, Kanda would _not_ forgive Father Tiedoll.

After much time, Kanda was still falling down the seemingly bottomless rabbit hole. Since it seemed virtually bottomless (the rabbit hole, that is), Kanda decided to review his lessons. He mumbled in a inaudible way to himself the Law of Cosines; then the preamble of the preamble of the Constitution of the United States; then several famous Japanese haikus (short poems). However, Kanda was soon bored. After all, homework always retains the properties of homework – no matter how interesting the topic, homework is _boring_.

Kanda thus began wondering about the seemingly non-existent other end of the hole; would he be in China (note: he is in the U.S. in the beginning of the story)? He didn't even know how to speak Chinese. The closest to Chinese he had was Japanese; though the ratio of Chinese people speaking to Japanese to the total amount of Chinese people was probably 1:1000, sadly.

Strangely, Kanda felt rather glad. Perhaps the rabbit hole really had a receiving end, and his life wouldn't be so full of boredom. Maybe it'll turn out to be adventurous like _Robinson Crusoe_, or _Treasure Island_, maybe like the _Iliad_. The more unfortunate adventures (i.e. less "manly", some would say) to experience is probably Alice in Wonderland – ALICE IN WONDERLAND?!! Kanda suddenly realized that this would be very, _very_ bad for him. Heck, it would turn out to be terrible, appalling, horrifying, miserable, and most very certainly _hideous_ adventure to experience! Now, Kanda himself is falling down a rabbit hole – which is EXACTLY what happened to Alice in _her_ story, though Kanda was quite sure that Alice's rabbit hole wasn't so horribly long.

Currently, Kanda was up to the neck in an indescribable dread.

Suddenly, Kanda hit the floor, though his fall was strangely well-cushioned. He glanced at the floor, and that's when his sonata of disasters had increased by an octave.

_This is very, _very_ bad;_ Kanda thought to himself; _this is extremely unfortunate. It was a horrible way to progress. Everything had been progressing horribly, so far._

Kanda calmly closed his eyes, counted to thirty, and opened his eyes.

As a man of God, he could not swear, as it was ungodly, but he could not keep himself from uttering a certain phrase:

"Holy crap."

_**To be continued**_


	2. Obviosly Not a Pool of Tears

Kanda was looking at _it_ with absolute _horror_. This could _not_ be happening to _him_. Nope, nein, zero, zip, zilch; it was a 100% impossible situation. Yet it was happening in the most petrifying ways know to mankind … well, perhaps at least Kanda-kind.

He was wretchedly clad in a sky blue Victorian _gown_, with silver thread embroidery, and most sadly, _lace_. Yes, _lace_; yards and yards of that horrible _lace_. Kanda felt like he was … a Victorian version of Disney's classic Alice in Wonderland … though it made a slight bit of sense; after all, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland _was_ written in 1863 … he thought.

What was even stranger was Kanda's lack of his own clothes. Somehow, during the fall, he lost his t-shirt of the National Cathedral's West Window, khaki shorts, and black Converse shoes. He searched himself, and was rather dismayed to find that all he left was his black beaded bracelet, silver cross-engraved rosary beads, and his black boxers embroidered with white crosses. He was rather upset, since that t-shirt cost him twenty dollars or so.

Suddenly, Kanda felt unexplainably thirsty. His gaze fell upon a cup on the glass table present in the room. The old-fashioned Japanese style teacup was full to the brim with green tea, and in elegant Japanese calligraphy, a message was written on the cup's moss-colored surface: "Please Drink Me." Although Kanda's common sense ruled that it would be dangerous to ingest such a suspiciously labeled fluid, his instincts to survival urged him to drink the fragrant solution.

Of course, instinct ruled over; after all, the worse that could happen was for Kanda to reach Heaven's gates. He drank it all in one gulp. Sure, it was refreshing, but as soon as the nourishing liquid rested in his stomach, Kanda noticed that something was horribly, _horribly_ wrong. It felt as if everything was devouring him, and he just promptly slid down its gullet.

When the unpleasant feeling ended, Kanda noticed that h wasn't being eaten by some unfathomable creature. In fact, he was shrunk more than enough inches … hold it. Let's make that feet. As Kanda turned his head around, he noticed that a little door, no larger than your average mouse-hole, was embedded in the wall. He peered through its window, staring at a most magnificent garden. The white roses were in bloom, the lawn and ledge were perfectly trimmed, and the apples bore fruit, Driven by the natural instinct of a gardener (yes, gardening is one of Kanda's hobbies), he instinctively turned the knob, only to find it locked.

Suddenly, Kanda recalled that there was a key on the table. He refrained from cursing – it was an ungodly thing to do. Suddenly, he noticed a small ichigo daifuku (strawberry-flavored Japanese dessert) on the floor. As much as he disliked sweet foods and that the food was on the floor; food was food, and Kanda was hungry. Besides, food in this strange place seemed to have strange powers. Maybe it could enlarge him. Kanda closed his eyes and ate the daifuku quickly.

Kanda felt dizzy for a moment, and then he noticed that he was increasing greatly in volume. Suddenly, a gold, flying, robot-like object flew towards him. In what seemed like its hand, it held a sign that simply read: "Cry". Kanda was infuriated beyond description: "I will not cry, even if the Devil himself came down and burnt me in his fire." Kanda smirked at it with a smugness: "If you want water, you better make rain yourself!"

Immediately, water began to fall from the sky. Kanda was relieved and irritated at the same time; he was glad that the Devil didn't need to come down and burn him; but the rain reminded him of that day, nine years ago, when he was found in front of Father Tiedoll's miniature cathedral, memory of his past all wiped away.

Ironically, the rain dripped down his face like tears as he emits a bittersweet grin at the memory.

Kanda felt his long hair plaster onto his pale neck. It seems like he lost his hair-tie during that wretched fall. Kanda flipped his hair over his shoulder, irritated. The rain tasted as bitter as it did _that day_.

As Kanda sat on the floor, growing larger, angrier, and wetter, he noticed a flash of something that was as red as fire that was darting across the room in inhuman speeds.

In a certainly very, _very_ strange, yet _familiar_ way.

_**To be continued**_

_Author's Notes:_

_Sorry for the loooooooooooong overdue update! Sumimasen! Please forgive me! ... truth is, I've been working on the rough drafts of the future chapters ... so yeah. And yes, Kanda is in a dress, for the fun of it! And yes, I'm just so evil like that ... though .... gomenasaina, Kanda! Well, hope you enjoyed this relatively ... short ... chapter! Critiques welcome! Please R&R! Thank you!_


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